Friday, June 29, 2007

Fragility

Today I found out some news about a close friend of mine. He made a choice that essentially is going to destroy his life, his marriage, his job. I am still in and out of the grace of shock and the pain and anger of the bursts of reality that flicker in and out of my mind like a flourescent light bulb ready to expire. When news like this comes, what are we supposed to do? I feel the utter sense of helplessness in this situation; all I can do is pray. That sounds so weak, yet I have to believe that there is still hope in the situation. Driving to and from work and lunch, my mind went back and forth like a tennis ball in a tennis match; I simply couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that this decision is utterly going to wreck his life. And then there is the anger that is surfacing because of the lies that he's been telling me and our other four close friends. Of course, the question of whether or not we had been "accountable" enough came up, but at the end of the day, I think we can only be as accountable as the information we've been given. And then, fragility pops into my head while I'm framing a window on the house we're currently remodeling. You know, I live my life so care free sometimes; I make choices without regarding the consequences, then deal with them as they come, but most of my consequences are pretty minor. Granted, there have been the consequences that weren't so minor, but the Spirit of the Lord and my community have brought me through those. Yet, what do you do when you don't have community per se because you've moved eight hours away from the only community that you know and then made a life-destructive decision? So many questions, so much helplessness, little, yet present, hope against hope. Why? Why make such a decision knowing that if you're found out it's going to wreck you and the people closest to you? Ugghh...life sometimes seems like a pane of glass; one decision, like a tossed stone, can shatter it. And then there are those who are there to help, cutting themselves on the shards lying at the feet of the broken.

1 comment:

~m2~ said...

I've been the kind of friend you are being, literally torn up over another friend's situation, and I've been on the edge of the building, wanting to throw the rock into the glass to see where the shards would scatter, regardless of inflicted pain.

It is really hard not to be selfish when you are desperate for change, desperate and unwilling to continue to settle for the unexciting and mundane. It's actually a black hole that your friend is in that he can see no way out of. Prayer is really the only way, even if he is unwilling to pray for himself.

Even now, four years after the fact of thinking of making the same type of life-altering decision, I struggle with staying on the right path. But I had friends that were strong enough and brave enough to stand up to me and tell me that what I was doing was wrong and unacceptable and NOT God's will for my life. Hard words to hear, but very necessary.

Peace to you - I read your blog all the time and have for a while. I was compelled to respond, I hope that's ok.